Parenting Courses Online: We just found out we're having twins! What do we do now?

Having twins (or other “multiples,” such as triplets) means much more than simply having two babies at once, and this challenge goes beyond having twice or three times the work or pleasure. Twins and other multiples quite frequently are born early and therefore tend to be smaller than the average newborn, so you may need to consult your pediatrician even more frequently than you would with a single baby. Feeding twins, whether by breast or bottle, also requires some special strategies, and the doctor can provide advice and support. There may be added financial pressures upon the family as well, spending a lot more on diapers, clothing, food, car seats, and dozens of other items–and perhaps needing a larger family car or even a larger home.

The twin birth rate in the U.S. is just over 3 percent. But as your obstetrician and pediatrician may have explained to you, the number of multiple births has risen in recent years. It has increased 42 percent since 1990 and 70 percent since 1980. Some researchers have attributed much of this increase to the more frequent use of infertility treatments and procedures such as in vitro fertilization. In vitro fertilization may involve implanting more than one fertilized egg into the uterus, while using infertility drugs can stimulate the ovaries to release two or more eggs.

Parenting Courses Online: Raising Multiples

You should care for your healthy multiples just like any other infants. From the very beginning, it is important that you recognize your babies are separate individuals. If they are identical, it is easy to treat them as a package,” providing them with the same clothing, toys, and quality of attention.

But as similar as they may appear physically, emotionally they are different, and in order to grow up happy and secure as individuals, they need you to support their differences. As one twin explained, “We’re not twins. We’re just brothers who have the same birthday!”

Identical twins come from the same egg, are always the same sex, and look very much alike. Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, which are fertilized at the same time. They may or may not be the same sex. Whether identical or fraternal, all twins have their individual personalities, styles, and temperament. Both identical and fraternal twins may become either competitive or interdependent as they grow. Sometimes one twin acts as the leader and the other as the follower. Whatever the specific quality of their interaction, most twins develop very intense relationships early in life simply because they spend so much time with each other.

If you also have other children, your twin newborns may prompt more than the usual sibling rivalry. They will require a large amount of your time and energy, and will attract a great deal of extra attention from friends, relatives, and strangers on the street. You can help your other children accept, and perhaps even take advantage of, this unusual situation by offering them “double rewards” for helping with the new babies and encouraging even more involvement in the daily baby care chores. It also becomes even more essential that you spend some special time each day alone with the other children doing their favorite activities.

As your twins get older, particularly if they are identical, they may choose to play only with each other, making their other siblings feel left out. To discourage the twins from forming such exclusive bonds, urge them to play individually (not as a unit) with other children. Also, you or a babysitter might play with just one twin while the other plays with a sibling or friend.

Parenting Courses Online: Development of Twins

You may find that your twins do not develop in the same pattern as do other children their age. Some twins seem to “split the work,” with one concentrating on motor skills while the other perfects social or communication abilities. Because they spend so much time together, many twins communicate better with each other than with other family members or friends. They learn how to “read” each other’s gestures and facial expressions, and occasionally they even have their own verbal language that no one else can understand. (This is particularly true of identical twins.) Because they can entertain each other, they may not be very motivated to learn about the world beyond them. This unique developmental pattern does not represent a problem, but it does make it all the more important to separate your twins occasionally and expose them individually to other playmates and learning situations.

Parenting Courses Online: Separating Twins

Twins are not always happy about being apart, especially if they have established strong play habits and preferences for each other’s company. For this reason, it is important to begin separating them occasionally as early as possible. If they resist strongly, try a gradual approach using very familiar children or adults to play with them individually but in the same room or play area. Being able to separate will become increasingly important as the twins approach school age. In preschool most twins can stay together in the same room, but many elementary schools prefer twins to be in separate classes.

Parenting Courses Online: Balancing The Dual Identities of Twins

As much as you appreciate the individual differences between your twins, you no doubt will have certain feelings for them as a unit. There is nothing wrong with this, since they do share many similarities and are themselves bound to develop a dual identity—as individuals and as twins. Helping them understand and accept the balance between these two identities is one of the most challenging tasks facing you as the parent of twins.

Your pediatrician can advise you on how to cope with the special parenting challenges with twins. He also can suggest helpful reading material or refer you to organizations that help parents with multiples.

At the same time, take care of yourself, getting as much rest as possible. Many parents find that raising twins and other multiples can be much more physically demanding and emotionally stressful than having just one baby. So make an effort to catch up on your own sleep whenever you can. Take turns with your spouse on who’s going to handle the “middle-of-the-night” feedings, and who will bathe and feed the babies. If your budget can afford it, get some extra help for routine tasks like bathing the newborns and grocery shopping—or ask friends and family members for help. An extra set of hands, especially when there are more than twins, even for just a few hours a week, can make an enormous difference, and can give you more time not only to enjoy your babies, but also more time for yourself.

Parenting Courses Online: Is it OK for a child to grow up in a small family?

Most newly married couples today plan to have only one or two children, compared with three or more back in the early 1960s. The reasons for this shift include a trend toward later marriage, more emphasis on careers for women, more effective methods of contraception, and the rising cost of rearing and educating children.
There are some very clear benefits to having a small family;

• Each child receives more parental attention and educational advantages, which generally raise her self-esteem.
• Children in small families, especially first and only children, tend to have higher school and personal achievement levels than do children of larger families.
• The financial costs of maintaining a household are lower.
• It is easier for both parents to combine careers with family life.
• The general stress level is lower because there often are fewer conflicts and less rivalry.

There are some trade-offs, especially in one-child families. When all the expectations, hopes, and fears are focused on just one child, parents easily can become overprotective and indulgent without even realizing it. The child may have fewer opportunities to meet other children or to develop a sense of independence. She may be pushed to overachieve, and she may receive so much doting attention that she becomes self-centered and undisciplined.

Parenting Courses Online: Tips For Small Families

• If you have just one or two children, you may become overprotective and overly attentive. This may make your child reluctant to be separated from you, hindering the development of new relationships with peers. In fact, you may have that same difficulty. Here are tips to help you keep these feelings in the proper perspective as your child matures.
• Make sure your expectations of your child are realistic for her age. Get to know other families with children the same age, and watch how these parents raise their children: when they're protective, and when they let go; how they discipline the children; how much responsibility they expect of them.
• Maintain your own adult social life as a couple (or as an individual, if you are a single parent). Taking a few hours off from each other will help both you and your child develop your individual identities. The earlier you start this pattern of personal time (at least once a week, even during infancy), the easier it will be for you both to accept the increasing definition of personality that needs to occur as she grows older.
• Let your child get to know other trusted grown-ups by having them babysit and by including the child in group activities with other families.
• Give her plenty of opportunities to play with other children her age through play groups, nursery schools or other children's groups.

If you are worried about your child's health or development, get advice from your pediatrician as soon as possible. Don't let your anxieties build and don't limit your child with unnecessary concern.

Parenting Courses Online: The Benefits of Extended Families

Until the last few generations, most American families were two-parent ones; living nearby, perhaps even in the same house, were grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The women were primarily responsible for caring for the children and running the household while the men worked outside the home. In many ways, this formula worked well: There were plenty of adults to look after the children. There was a built-in support system and roles were clearly defined. The children benefited the most because they had so many close social contacts and received love from so many different directions.

The extended family is not as common in American society today. Due to career obligations, opportunities, and the desire to go to new places, fewer and fewer newly married couples choose to or can live near their parents or close relatives.

Without regular contact with relatives, parents and children need to create alternative support systems. A close friendship with another family, participation in a surrogate or foster grandparent program, or in Big Brothers or Sisters, can help replace the missing ties. For many families, religious congregational activities are a source of support and close friendships. Many other community programs such as youth and neighborhood activity centers also can fulfill these needs.

Even if your relatives are scattered, try to strengthen your child's sense of family by keeping in touch by phone and letters. Encourage your child to draw pictures for relatives, and to send his own letters when he learns to write. Exchange photographs and make them into a photo album that grows with your child. If you have a tape recorder or video camera, make tapes of your family as "audio/video letters" to bring you closer together.

The overall intent is to balance the intimate connections of a small nuclear family with continued meaningful contacts with loved ones outside the immediate family. The values fostered and nurtured through these family relationships will be important ones for the child to model and incorporate into his way of living when he grows up. Your family's modeling of these values reinforces their importance for the growing child.

Last Updated

6/11/2010

Source: Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12 (Copyright © 2003 American Academy of Pediatrics)