When most parents set their standards and expectations for parenting, they take into account their recollections of their own youth. As a first step toward understanding your own approach to parenting, and to use that information in a positive way, examine it through the prism of your own childhood.

To begin, answer the following questions:

1. What do you remember about the family you grew up in, particularly your relationships with your mother and father? What do you appreciate most about their way of raising you?
2. What did you most enjoy doing with each of your parents? The answer to this question might give you a clue to the activities your own child might enjoy doing with you.
3. What were the greatest difficulties you had with your parents? This information might help you avoid problem areas with your own youngster, while understanding why you respond to certain parental situations the way you do. For instance, if you felt your parents were too strict, you might become too permissive with your own child; or if you believe your mother and father were too withdrawn and quiet, you might insist upon talking with your child a lot.
4. What do you feel were their greatest shortcomings as parents? If your own father became abusive when he got angry, for example, you might feel anxious whenever tempers flare in your own household, and you might try to avoid angry confrontations.

Parenting classes suggests your family experience

You can also learn a lot from childhood relationships with your brothers and sisters. Ask yourself questions like: What were the best aspects of your relationship with your siblings? What did you enjoy doing most with them? What problems and conflicts did you have with them? How do you feel your parents handled these conflicts?

If you were an only child, you might have difficulty adjusting to the way your own youngsters relate to one another; you may find their fighting quite disturbing, although if you had grown up with siblings, you would understand better that sibling bickering is quite normal. Or if you were the oldest (or the youngest) child in your family, you might unconsciously identify more with your own oldest (or youngest) child.

Parenting classes suggests using your childhood memories

Think about the significant events that took place in your childhood. What do you remember about moves to a new city? Starting school? Illnesses or injuries? Losses (the death of a pet, a friend moving away, a stolen bicycle)? These childhood memories can affect how you relate to your own youngsters today. If you had a tough time moving to a new neighborhood when you were young, you might find it hard to put your own child through the same experience. If the first day at a new school was always difficult for you, you might feel especially anxious when your child changes schools.

Also, examine your own memories of teachers and classmates, your academic performance, what you liked and disliked about school and important school events (tests, oral reports, class trips, science fairs). Think back upon your childhood friendships, too: best friends, adversaries, activities with other children and how you adjusted to changes in friendships.

As you reflect upon these childhood experiences, you might recognize how they have influenced your responses to your own child's interactions with others - and not always in a positive way. For instance, your youngster may prefer coming home after school, playing a musical instrument, doing homework and not spending much time in social activities. However, if you yearned to be more popular when you were young, you might push your son to participate more in sports, 4-H, or Scouting activities, although he might have no interest in them. These are issues you need to become more sensitive to.

Parenting classes suggests talk about your past

As part of this self-examination, talk with your youngster about your own childhood recollections. He will love to hear stories about what life was like for you when you were his age. It will give him a sense of history and belonging. It will also help him through difficult times once he finds out that you, too, might not have been invited to a party you really wanted to go to, or that, like him, you had fears about giving an oral report in front of the class.

 Parenting Classes We just found out we're having twins! What do we do now?

Having twins (or other “multiples,” such as triplets) means much more than simply having two babies at once, and this challenge goes beyond having twice or three times the work or pleasure. Twins and other multiples quite frequently are born early and therefore tend to be smaller than the average newborn, so you may need to consult your pediatrician even more frequently than you would with a single baby. Feeding twins, whether by breast or bottle, also requires some special strategies, and the doctor can provide advice and support. There may be added financial pressures upon the family as well, spending a lot more on diapers, clothing, food, car seats, and dozens of other items–and perhaps needing a larger family car or even a larger home.

The twin birth rate in the U.S. is just over 3 percent. But as your obstetrician and pediatrician may have explained to you, the number of multiple births has risen in recent years. It has increased 42 percent since 1990 and 70 percent since 1980. Some researchers have attributed much of this increase to the more frequent use of infertility treatments and procedures such as in vitro fertilization. In vitro fertilization may involve implanting more than one fertilized egg into the uterus, while using infertility drugs can stimulate the ovaries to release two or more eggs.

Parenting Classes Raising Multiples

You should care for your healthy multiples just like any other infants. From the very beginning, it is important that you recognize your babies are separate individuals. If they are identical, it is easy to treat them as a package,” providing them with the same clothing, toys, and quality of attention.

But as similar as they may appear physically, emotionally they are different, and in order to grow up happy and secure as individuals, they need you to support their differences. As one twin explained, “We’re not twins. We’re just brothers who have the same birthday!”

Identical twins come from the same egg, are always the same sex, and look very much alike. Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, which are fertilized at the same time. They may or may not be the same sex. Whether identical or fraternal, all twins have their individual personalities, styles, and temperament. Both identical and fraternal twins may become either competitive or interdependent as they grow. Sometimes one twin acts as the leader and the other as the follower. Whatever the specific quality of their interaction, most twins develop very intense relationships early in life simply because they spend so much time with each other.

If you also have other children, your twin newborns may prompt more than the usual sibling rivalry. They will require a large amount of your time and energy, and will attract a great deal of extra attention from friends, relatives, and strangers on the street. You can help your other children accept, and perhaps even take advantage of, this unusual situation by offering them “double rewards” for helping with the new babies and encouraging even more involvement in the daily baby care chores. It also becomes even more essential that you spend some special time each day alone with the other children doing their favorite activities.

As your twins get older, particularly if they are identical, they may choose to play only with each other, making their other siblings feel left out. To discourage the twins from forming such exclusive bonds, urge them to play individually (not as a unit) with other children. Also, you or a babysitter might play with just one twin while the other plays with a sibling or friend.

Parenting Classes Development of Twins

You may find that your twins do not develop in the same pattern as do other children their age. Some twins seem to “split the work,” with one concentrating on motor skills while the other perfects social or communication abilities. Because they spend so much time together, many twins communicate better with each other than with other family members or friends. They learn how to “read” each other’s gestures and facial expressions, and occasionally they even have their own verbal language that no one else can understand. (This is particularly true of identical twins.) Because they can entertain each other, they may not be very motivated to learn about the world beyond them. This unique developmental pattern does not represent a problem, but it does make it all the more important to separate your twins occasionally and expose them individually to other playmates and learning situations.

Parenting Classes Separating Twins

Twins are not always happy about being apart, especially if they have established strong play habits and preferences for each other’s company. For this reason, it is important to begin separating them occasionally as early as possible. If they resist strongly, try a gradual approach using very familiar children or adults to play with them individually but in the same room or play area. Being able to separate will become increasingly important as the twins approach school age. In preschool most twins can stay together in the same room, but many elementary schools prefer twins to be in separate classes.

Parenting Classes Balancing The Dual Identities of Twins

As much as you appreciate the individual differences between your twins, you no doubt will have certain feelings for them as a unit. There is nothing wrong with this, since they do share many similarities and are themselves bound to develop a dual identity—as individuals and as twins. Helping them understand and accept the balance between these two identities is one of the most challenging tasks facing you as the parent of twins.

Your pediatrician can advise you on how to cope with the special parenting challenges with twins. He also can suggest helpful reading material or refer you to organizations that help parents with multiples.

At the same time, take care of yourself, getting as much rest as possible. Many parents find that raising twins and other multiples can be much more physically demanding and emotionally stressful than having just one baby. So make an effort to catch up on your own sleep whenever you can. Take turns with your spouse on who’s going to handle the “middle-of-the-night” feedings, and who will bathe and feed the babies. If your budget can afford it, get some extra help for routine tasks like bathing the newborns and grocery shopping—or ask friends and family members for help. An extra set of hands, especially when there are more than twins, even for just a few hours a week, can make an enormous difference, and can give you more time not only to enjoy your babies, but also more time for yourself.

Parenting Classes We seem to have a lot of arguments in our family. Is this normal?

Disputes between you and your children are inevitable in family life. If your family never has arguments, it probably means that issues are being avoided. To become productive adults, children need to be able to voice their opinions - even if they disagree with yours - and feel they are being taken seriously. Even so, you can and should keep the negative impact of arguments to a minimum.

Parenting Classes Pick Your Battles

Be selective about the issues you fight over. When a potential problem arises, decide if it is really worth the battle; some issues probably are not. For example, if your child wants to wear an old pair of sneakers to school rather than the newer pair you recently bought her, or if she wants to wear her hair a little longer than you would prefer, you might decide to let her have her way, choosing to take a stand on more important matters instead. Pick your battles carefully.

Be Open

Let your child win sometimes. When you and your youngster argue, you need to do more than listen to her point of view; when she presents a persuasive case, be willing to say, "You convinced me. We'll do it your way." Let your youngster know that you value her point of view, and that through communication, conflicts can be resolved - and that sometimes she can win.

Boundaries For Arguments

As long as arguments stay within certain boundaries, they are an acceptable and productive form of communication. They can continue as long as they are under control, respectful and are moving toward a solution. But discontinue them if they degenerate into name-calling, if calm voices are replaced by shouting or if you and your child are going around in circles without progressing toward a resolution. Never laugh at your child, no matter how ludicrous her arguments sound to you; by laughing you are essentially ridiculing her and what she is saying.
If you are unhappy with the essay your child wrote about the Civil War for school, for example, the two of you can discuss what you perceive to be its shortcomings. But remember, it is her school assignment and her responsibility. Her teacher is the ultimate judge. If the dialogue between you and your child starts to get personal ("You don't know what you're talking about!"), then it's time for a break. Tell your child: "This discussion isn't going anywhere. We need to stop, cool down and come back to it later." Resume the dialogue later in the day, when one or both of you might have a new approach to the problem.

Some families actually schedule these follow-up discussions. A parent might say, "Come back with five points to support your argument, and I'll have five to support mine." Families can even create a format for these dialogues: The child speaks uninterrupted for five minutes, and then the parent responds during the next five minutes; after another round of five minutes each, you might find areas where you can agree or compromise.

Recurrent Conflicts

If conflicts about particular issues recur again and again, take a look at the root causes. Think deeply about why you and your child are arguing about these matters, and try taking some preventive action.
For example, if your youngster rebels against going to bed each night, she may be using her outbursts as a way to stay up a little longer, or to get more attention. Or if she repeatedly argues about doing her homework, try to put an end to these conflicts by actually writing up a contract stipulating the expectations, responsibilities, rewards and punishments for doing and not doing homework. Remember that the homework assignment is made by the teacher and is your child's responsibility. She may not do it your way, but if she is satisfying the school's requirements, you should not turn it into an issue at home. Both you and your child should sign the contract, agree to abide by it, and (hopefully) end the disagreements about the subject.

Alliances

Some families draw a third person into the conflict, supposedly to mediate the difficulty, but who instead may take a position on one side or the other and thereby make the disagreement worse. Sometimes when they are unable to resolve their conflict, the warring parties may join together to focus attention on another family member as a way to avoid dealing with the real problem.

Within every family, certain alliances, coalitions and rivalries exist. At times, mother and daughter might form an alliance against father and son. Or the two parents might unite against the children on a particular issue. But within a healthy family these coalitions are not fixed, they change from situation to situation, and they do not disrupt the functioning of the family. If they become rigid and long-lasting, however, they can do damage to the family.
It is natural to be unaware that any alliances exist within your family. But to get a better sense of your family's dynamics, ask yourself questions like: "What family member do I tend to agree (or disagree) with most often? When my children are fighting, whose side do I generally take? With whom in the family do I usually spend my free time? Who in the family most easily angers me?"

Children Learn By Example

Do not forget that children learn how to handle disagreements by watching their parents' example. How readily do you and your partner have "good" arguments, which end in successful reconciliation? Or do you stay angry, or avoid fights altogether? Your children model themselves on you.

 

Last Updated

5/19/2011

Source

Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12 (Copyright © 2003 American Academy of Pediatrics)