The recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan, and the radiation dangers they sparked, create a challenge for parents. Feelings have been triggered in each of us, as we picture what life is like for those directly affected, and as we imagine protecting our families in similar circumstances. We are exposed to daily images of human suffering. What is a parent to do? How do we explain the events to our children, in a way that protects and nurtures them?
Online Parenting Classes: Here are some thoughts about caring well for our children and ourselves during difficult times:
First, we need to set aside time to talk with each other, and work through some of our feelings and reactions, at times and places separate from our children. We adults carry feelings about the current events, and it’s easy to fall into feeling helpless. So often, the first task is to remember what and whom we care most about.
As children, we had an expectation that the world would be sweet, safe, and just. If we take the time, our thoughts about our families and our longings for safety and justice will lead to the appropriate human response—crying, and even trembling, when we focus on the breach of that sense of safety. We need to open our feelings and let them flow with other adults as listeners, perhaps exchanging listening time with them, to address the emotional load a tragedy places on each of us. Accessing our gut feelings will help us recover our ability to use the power we do have. We need hope and energy at our fingertips, so we’re able to do what we can in our families and communities to make the world right.
It is important for our children to see that we care about people, and feel one with them in hard times. But our children shouldn’t become our only sounding board. If your feelings bubble up in their presence, go ahead and show them openly, but without detailed explanation of your feelings. "I'm sad about something I heard on the news" is fine, along with "and I just need to cry for a little while to let the sadness out."
It is not helpful for very young children to know all the details of a well-publicized disaster. They can't digest exposure to human suffering. Exposure to the graphic images in newspapers or on TV, and the interpretations of newspeople can be frightening. The following are ways to keep young children protected from information they can’t process.
If you are asked why a tragedy happened, fashion your answer to your child's age and experience. Acknowledge that sometimes, the earth needs to stretch and bend, and we are working to keep people safe, but we don’t have all the answers. You can explain that people will learn from what happened; that grownups need to have time to be sad and cry about it; and that making time for people to show their feelings gives them the energy to work out solutions. Point to the cooperation of many thousands of people, and the help that has arrived at the scene.
In the end, though, disasters don't make sense to children. So don't try too hard to get the explanation "right." The facts don't make a random catastrophe understandable. Young children need an explanation of why the adults around them are reacting, and that we may be too serious right now, but that we will take care of them. Your children need as much reassurance as you can give that harm won’t come to them.
If your child has become frightened by the tones, words, or images he has seen, he will find ways to bring up his fears that may be indirect. For example, he may wake up crying in the night, may get upset over not getting to sit on your lap during dinnertime, or may have a tantrum over not being able to find the shoes he wanted to wear today.
Our children need us to listen at these times, to stay close and reassure them while they feel the feelings in a big way. "You can sit on my lap after dinner, I promise," said with a relaxed tone, will let your child cry and fight, releasing the feelings of fear and tension until your reassurance sinks in. "We'll find your other shoe, but right now, I don't know where it is," will work just fine to give a child an outlet for his worries.
Children need these small upsets to serve as "can openers" for the emotions they have stored away. They usually choose a safe family time, like dinnertime or bedtime, or a challenging time like leaving for school or day care in the morning, to crack an upset open so they can offload the feelings and then sense that they are safe again.
When you listen, you can expect the feelings to last a good while. The warmer and more loving you are, the more intense the feelings will become. This is normal, healthy, and a direct acknowledgment of the sense of safety you have provided. Don't mention the crisis that you think may be attached to all these feelings. Children's emotional release process can be stopped cold when a parent tries to analyze the situation, or insists that the child explain why he’s crying. It works better to focus solely on the small issue at hand, which your child chose because it was exactly the size he could handle.
As parents, we know that it takes a great amount of person-to-person love, work, and commitment to keep even a small group of people working cooperatively together.
The skills we develop, as parents, are the same skills needed to heal our human community, person by person. Listening helps us draw closer to each other. Listening, and finding someone who will let us express the deep feelings we have when disaster strikes, lets us acknowledge the compassion we have, release the feelings, and act on our caring, both at home and more widely.
Source: http://www.handinhandparenting.org
Online Parenting Classes: Helping Your Child Develop A Healthy Sense of Self Esteem
Online Parenting Classes: How can we help our child develop a healthy sense of self-esteem?
By definition, self-esteem is the way in which an individual perceives herself-in other words, her own thoughts and feelings about herself and her ability to achieve in ways that are important to her. This self-esteem is shaped not only by a child's own perceptions and expectations, but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant people in her life-how she is thought of and treated by parents, teachers and friends. The closer her perceived self (how she sees herself) comes to her ideal self (how she would like to be), the higher her self-esteem.
For healthy self-esteem, children need to develop or acquire some or all of the following characteristics:
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of security.
Your child must feel secure about herself and her future. ("What will become of me?")
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of belonging.
Your youngster needs to feel accepted and loved by others, beginning with the family and then extending to groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, a church or temple and even a neighborhood or community. Without this acceptance or group identity, she may feel rejected, lonely, and adrift without a "home," "family" or "group."
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of purpose.
Your child should have goals that give her purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling her energy toward achievement and self-expression. If she lacks a sense of purpose, she may feel bored, aimless, even resentful at being pushed in certain directions by you or others.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of personal competence and pride.
Your child should feel confident in her ability to meet the challenges in her life. This sense of personal power evolves from having successful life experiences in solving problems independently, being creative and getting results for her efforts. Setting appropriate expectations, not too low and not too high, is critical to developing competence and confidence. If you are overprotecting her, and if she is too dependent on you, or if expectations are so high she never succeeds, she may feel powerless and incapable of controlling the circumstances in her life.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of trust.
Your child needs to feel trust in you and in herself. Toward this goal, you should keep promises, be supportive and give your child opportunities to be trustworthy. This means believing your child, and treating her as an honest person.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of responsibility.
Give your child a chance to show what she is capable of doing. Allow her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of "letting go" with a sense of faith.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of contribution.
Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity. Let her know that she really counts.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of making real choices and decisions.
Your child will feel empowered and in control of events when she is able to make or influence decisions that she considers important. These choices and decisions need to be appropriate for her age and abilities, and for the family's values.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of self-discipline and self-control.
As your child is striving to achieve and gain more independence, she needs and wants to feel that she can make it on her own. Once you give her expectations, guidelines, and opportunities in which to test herself, she can reflect, reason, problem-solve and consider the consequences of the actions she may choose. This kind of self-awareness is critical for her future growth.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of encouragement, support and reward.
Not only does your child need to achieve, but she also needs positive feedback and recognition - a real message that she is doing well, pleasing others and "making it." Encourage and praise her, not only for achieving a set goal but also for her efforts, and for even small increments of change and improvement. ("I like the way you waited for your turn," "Good try; you're working harder," "Good girl!") Give her feedback as soon as possible to reinforce her self-esteem and to help her connect your comments to the activity involved.
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of accepting mistakes and failure.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, not defeated, when she makes mistakes or fails. Explain that these hurdles or setbacks are a normal part of living and learning, and that she can learn or benefit from them. Let your supportive, constructive feedback and your recognition of her effort overpower any sense of failure, guilt, or shame she might be feeling, giving her renewed motivation and hope. Again, make your feedback specific ("If you throw the ball like this, it might help") and not negative and personal ("You are so clumsy," "You'll never make it").
Online Parenting Classes: A sense of family self-esteem.
Your child's self-esteem initially develops within the family and thus is influenced greatly by the feelings and perceptions that a family has of itself. Some of the preceding comments apply to the family in building its self-esteem. Also, bear in mind that family pride is essential to self-esteem and can be nourished and maintained in many ways, including participation or involvement in community activities, tracing a family's heritage and ancestors, or caring for extended family members. Families fare better when members focus on each other's strengths, avoid excessive criticism and stick up for one another outside the family setting. Family members believe in and trust each other, respect their individual differences and show their affection for each other. They make time for being together, whether to share holidays, special events or just to have fun.
Last Updated
12/30/2011
Source
Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12 (Copyright © 2003 American Academy of Pediatrics)